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Tuesday, January 11, 2005

four plus seven means eleven

Here's a few questions (and their possibilities) that seem worth asking:

1. Why was it so much easier to find girls I liked in my youth?

2. Why are guys who wear moustaches non-ironically so frequently assholes?

3. What percentage of women have music taste that is such that it would actually make them more attractive rather than make them acceptable or less appealing?

Possible Answers:

1. When you're younger there are far fewer criteria. For example, in high school, the questions I asked myself when deciding whether or not a girl was worth spending time on were:

- Is this girl good-looking?
- Is this girl willing to let me put my hand up her skirt when we go to the movies to watch Will Smith star in Enemy of the State?
- That is all.

However, as we grow older, we add a much longer list of questions including concerns regarding religion, family, marriage, cultural tastes, pasttime preferences, financial situation, professional demands, and whether or not she will let me put my hand up her skirt at my house in the dark after we go watch Bill Murray star in The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou and have dinner. At this point I've just stopped bothering with girls who don't fit in the very most important of my preferences. Therefore, less girls are allowed to enter the picture. Solution? Start accepting applications from every female I come in contact with, including that wandering shoeless woman who mutters to herself OR learn a popular skill I've heard about called "patience."

2. There's this girl at my job who is pretty attractive, who for privacy's sake, I'll call "Joanna." Now Joanna has a nice (but not fantastic) ass, and sometimes her thong comes out of the back of her pants when she leans over, which is always a nice bonus when you're standing around polishing glasses. Tonight, a couple who looked to be in their early fifties came in for a cup of coffee and a slice of cake later in the evening. After I made the coffee and prepared the cake, I asked Joanna bring it over to the couple, which she did. I watched her bring the cake over, and then as she walked away, I watched as the male in the couple (equipped with moustache) fully stared at Joanna's ass the entire way back to the counter where she was walking to get the coffee. He also made a few Rodney Dangerfield-like gestures as if he were getting a little hot under the collar from the mere sight of her ass, all while his wife sat there next to him. I began getting a little embarassed when I saw that after Joanna brought the coffee over, his eyes followed both of her butt-cheeks as she walked all the way across the bar, and behind the counter where I was standing. The wife, in the meantime, was naively enjoying her coffee and cake, and probably chatting about how she was planning on cutting her hair in an even more masculine style (why do old ladies always cut their hair in the least flattering way possible?), and then giving it a good perm.

This guy definitely looked like he was wearing his moustache in earnest, and after his display, I got to wondering why guys who wear moustaches in earnest are so often assholes who do that sort of thing with their wives sitting right next to them.

I won't go so far as to say that all guys who have moustaches in earnest are assholes, because there are some really cool guys with moustaches. For example:

As you can see, very few guys can pull off the moustache without looking like a jerk. Perhaps the lapse of judgment that causes men to wear a moustache is somehow evolutionarily linked to the desire to watch NASCAR, stare at young girls' buttocks for inappropriate measures of time, and call people "chief."

3. This one can only be solved with the use of our old friend arithmetic. Since I'm an American, and that's my primary concern and basis for music taste (not just American bands, but music played in America; there may be girls from Indochina with good taste, but they'll like Indochinese stuff, which I haven't caught on to yet). There are 20 million girls in 20-29 age group (the only girls I care about for this project)according to 2000 census. I figure I've met about 1000 girls in my life. Of that thousand, about seven of them have had music taste that made them more attractive. Seven out of a thousand times the nearly twenty million girls I haven't met yet equals around 140,000 girls that are likely to have taste in music that makes them more attractive to me. Obviously there are variables involved, like "what if she's really really ugly?" or "what if it turns out if she has good music except for the fact that her favorite guilty pleasure is Metallica's Black Album?" I suppose we'll just cross that road when we come to it.


Blogger Christopher Zane said...

On top of having little criteria for a possible mate, in highschool you also have a huge selection of girls who are in your age range, and you have friends to help you draw in the canidate once a selection has been made. If only life were like that now.

6:15 PM  
Blogger Ben said...

Zane is a damn dirty data stealer! You've pilfered my methodology for the last time, Sleazy C-Z! Oh, and to add some anedotal confirmation to your theory, my father wears a mustache, wouldn't know irony if it was his father, and calls people "chief".. I wouldn't call him exactly an asshole.. though he is pretty gruff.

8:53 PM  
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