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Thursday, February 03, 2005

I'm a busy man. I juggle a career as a project manager, a family, a secret life of fighting crime, and I have to go visit my father at his nursing home on weekends.

With my active lifestyle, I often have to combine tasks, in order to save time--multitasking, they call it. Here are just some of the tasks that I often do at the same time in order to maximize efficiency.

Brushing my teeth while I take a shower
Many people do this--it saves time, and you can spit wherever you want!

Shaving while I eat breakfast and drive my car
I know this sounds tricky, but it's really quite easy. You see, I use an electric razor (which plugs into the cigarette lighter!), I eat astronaut ice cream and powdered eggs, and I drive with my groin.

Being intimate with my wife while watching the evening news
This one isn't that hard. The most difficult part about it, in fact, is catching all of the segments without Sandra finding out. Hint: It's easiest if we're doing it doggy style.

Disciplining my kids while fighting off would-be assassins
As a crime-fighter, I'm the constant source of attacks and attempts on my life. This is particularly troublesome when I'm giving Evan a spanking because he drew a picture of Captain Jack Sparrow on the living room wall. I nearly paralyzed little Donna with a blowdart once when a ninja crept in through the window in the downstairs bathroom--I was about to give my daughter an "Indian sunburn" for failing algebra.

Going "number one" and "number two" at the same time
Impossible you say? Wrong again, egghead. If you train extensively and practice diligently, you too can be the practicioner of a technique that can shave valuable seconds off your bathroom time.

Reading my dad a bedtime story at the old-folks home while secretly reading a copy of Archie's Digest hidden within the pages of the book
This might seem difficult, but it isn't. My dad is very old, and as long as I say at least one word every fifteen seconds or so, he's convinced that I'm actually reading him Dr. Faustus instead of chuckling to myself over Archie's latest mix-up with Betty and Veronica.

Beating a law-defying criminal to death while whistling Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" and eating a large piece of beef jerky
Just to avoid any confusion here, I don't beat all the criminals I catch to death--many of them are just paralyzed. In any case, it's not a job that lends itself to a sunny disposition. The only way I stay pleasant while at my second job is whistling pop hits from the seventies and eighties. And the beef jerky? What am I supposed to do, starve? I find Pemmican is the tastiest.

Quietly masturbating to internet pornography while keeping my foot lodged firmly against the door so Sandra or the kids don't wander in
Sometimes, when I get home late from my second job, and Sandra's already asleep, I creep into my office and visit www.analslutparadise.com, www.assholearmageddon.com, or www.filthyteenagetrampcollegecheerleaderheaven.com/pictures.html It's tricky to keep my foot close enough to the door so it won't open and view the really good pictures (especially with our damned dial-up modem), but it usually works out okay.


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