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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

“When I make a run for the presidency, I’m going to run on a determinist platform.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, determinism—that our lives are predestined, and there’s nothing we can do to change them.”

“But what about free will?”

“Free will is an illusion. It’s incorporated into determinism—we were meant to think that we have free will, but in reality, each of those decisions we make under the illusion of free will were already determined anyway.”

“Wait—so how will this get you elected president?”

“It’ll relieve people from a feeling of responsibility. First of all, they’ll probably give up on voting, because, hey, if what I’m doing is already predetermined, then I can do anything I want. I’ll get a pretty big increase in voter apathy, I think.”

“But the people who don’t believe your claptrap will build a vigorous campaign to show that you’re a fool—the bases of your opponents will be much more motivated when they’ve got a force of evil to contend with.”

“Ah, but what’s great is that my base will fight uglier and harder than theirs will.”

“Why would that happen?”

“Because they’ll have no conscience. If my base believes that nothing matters—if they just become determinist nihilists—then they’ll just indulge their egos and their most base, most animalistic nature, and create a smear campaign to end all smear campaigns. It’ll turn into a huge free-for-all. Those that haven’t turned away from politics in disgust or aren’t already on my side—what I’ll call ‘the undecideds’ as a joke, you know, because their decision has already been made by fate—will naturally end up voting for me.”

“Why the hell should they vote for you?”

“They’ll be the kind of people I’m ultimately looking for to elect me—people who give no thought to things, but just go on vague media impressions. They’ll see me as a maverick, as someone who does things his own way, and they’ll hear from friends that I have some pretty ‘wild ideas’ about politics. With my renegade personality and my massive media campaign, they’ll definitely go out of their way to elect me.”

“This is disgusting.”

“My slogan will be: ‘Chris Zane: Have it Your Way.’”

“That’s the Burger King slogan.”

“How about: ‘Chris Zane: Eat it, Mister!’?”

“Now you’re talking.”

“Yup, that’s what’ll get me into power: a huge drop in voter turnout, and an appeal to the ugly, vicious side of humanity.”

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Blogger Ben said...


Count me in!

1:45 AM  

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