Advanced Meta Tag Generator

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

From The New York Times:
President Bush, in a push to take charge of the election-year agenda, is expected to say . . . that "America is addicted to oil . . . [in the State of the Union address tonight.]"
I guess irony isn't dead.
Sometimes you've just got to kick back and remember: Everything in life is double.1

1All credit goes to Lan for resurrecting this story, but for some reason he won't write about it.

Monday, January 30, 2006

"I wish I had time to line-edit all of the papers," I told Lan.

"That's what we ended up doing," he said.

"Really?"

"Yeah. We started just doing the normal thing, then it spread to making comments on the macro-edit papers. Then we just said 'fuck it' and started editing them all.

"We formed a really tight group that semester. We revealed a lot about each other, inter-class romances began springing up everywhere . . . our sexual orientations went right out the window."

"What?!"

"Huh? Oh, nevermind."
Early this morning I was woken up by construction workers outside my apartment. I heard a truck backing up, men yelling, and the general din of work being done.

'Man,' I thought. 'That's really annoying.' I continued trying to sleep for about 10 minutes.

The sound of a buzzsaw burrowed its way under my pillow and into my ear. It was like someone was playing a tape--Sounds of the Worker--in my brain.

Then I heard the jackhammer.

'What is this, a joke?'

I got up.

Here's my latest note from one of my tables at work--note the hint of syrup on the sides. It's the details that make things like this special.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

This post on Andy's blog is not to be missed.

Friday, January 27, 2006

There's a fine, subjective line between honesty and brutality. The trouble usually lies less with the truth being told than the manner it's delivered.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Get well soon, Laniel.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

"I think you should start an essay with the sentence, 'I couldn't believe it when he made us all eat shit,' " DC said.
"I think part of the reason we like younger girls is that women's expectations grow exponentially with time," Cibby said.

"It's true," said my sister.

"Yeah," I agreed. "And when they're in their mid-twenties they're only a little past their prime, so they still have bargaining power."

"But there are a lot of hot 30-year-olds," my sister scoffed.

"Yeah--but they're not as hot as they were when they were 19," I told her.

"Nah, some people get better-looking as they get older."

"Yeah, they do. Some men."

Meg said she rolled her eyes so hard her retinas may have detatched.
A student in the photography class I subbed for today fell off of her stool while I called roll.

"What are you, stoned?" I joked. The class laughed.

Then a minute later, when I saw that she hadn't gotten up yet, I realized she was stoned.

I silently cursed the school's off-campus-lunch-and-pot-smoking policy.
On the way home from the gym today, I saw an old hippie riding his bike and playing his guitar at the same time. He moved deftly across lanes, making turns, slowing down, accelerating--and never moved his hands from the guitar. He just kept playing and pedaling.

"Good for him!" I thought.
Happy 3rd birthday, Trogdor!
"Do you prefer to date younger girls?" LK asked me.

"Sure," I said. "Who doesn't?"

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because they're hotter."

"I think it's because they're good for stroking your--"

"Cock?" I asked.

"I was going to say 'ego.' "

Friday, January 20, 2006

From Sydney Pollack's Tootsie:
(MICHAEL just gave his longtime friend SANDY a box of chocolates he was given by another man while dressed as his female alter-ego, Dorothy.)

SANDY: (After reading the note attached.) This isn't even for me! This is another girl's candy!

MICHAEL: I wouldn't give you another girl's candy, I swear!

SANDY: Well then whose is it?

MICHAEL: It's mine.

SANDY: A guy named Les is sending you candy?

MICHAEL: Yes. He's a friend of mine. He can't eat candy; he's diabetic!

SANDY: (Confused) Why is he thanking you for a lovely night in front of the fire?

MICHAEL: (Pauses) My mind's a blank.

SANDY: (Suspicious) Michael . . . are you gay?

MICHAEL: (Serious.) In what sense?
Inspired by Lan and MO's desert-island top-ten lists, here is mine for pop music*:
After the Gold Rush, Neil Young
Another Green World, Brian Eno
Astral Weeks, Van Morrison
The Beatles (White Album), The Beatles
Born to Run, Bruce Springsteen
Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain, Pavement
Exile on Mainstreet, The Rolling Stones
Live 1966, Bob Dylan
London Calling, The Clash
Pet Sounds, The Beach Boys

Honorable mention: Death of a Ladies' Man, Leonard Cohen

*This list is subject to change at any time.
From the New York Times:
Wilson Pickett, the soul music pioneer whose insistent wail turned songs like "In the Midnight Hour" into hits, died yesterday in Virginia. He was 64. . . .

Reflecting on his career years after his chart performance had begun to slip, Mr. Pickett said he had once harbored mixed feelings about abandoning his gospel roots, fearing that "if you leave God and go to the devil, you're going to go to hell," as he told Rolling Stone. "You see, I wanted to sing gospel, but I wanted to make me some money, too."

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Welcome, 325Mers!

Thank you for visiting. I've really enjoyed keeping this record, and have done my best to keep the material fresh and entertaining. I hope you feel that I've succeeded.

After you have a browse around my Website, I recommend that you check out a few of the blogs under the "Blogs I Read" section in the right-hand column on this page:

- A close friend (and former 325Mer) Lan D. Ho has a fantastically entertaining and well-written blog that I check obsessively.

-Another friend, Ben/Joey Honey has a great blog that he doesn't update nearly as much (although he's been on a rush as of late, thankfully).

- One last Site that I have to recommend is the blog that Ben and I share responsibility for--Welcome To Do Land, the blog about sex and relationships, which I mentioned in class.

Please feel free to comment on any post (we all love feedback, right?)--I've made sure that you don't have to be a member of the Site to be able to do so.

I'm enormously excited about the experiences we're set to have together this semester, and I hope you are as well (however, I don't think I'm alone in thinking that I'm going to have to quit my job, cease communication with friends and family, and forgo all other interests in order to get as much out of it as I can).

Good luck!

P.S. The deal that I struck regarding misspellings and typos on my papers (à la JT) does not apply here, where I don't edit myself nearly as strongly as I'll try to for the class. I'll keep as many of my dimes as possible, thank you very much.
------ called a minute ago.

"What was the name of that porno we watched that time?" she asked me immediately.

I thought for a moment.

"Which one?"

"That one where that girl swallows that enormous dildo and then deepthroats that guy."

I told her.

"Oh . . . OK." The tone in her voice suggested that she was writing it down. "Well, I've got class in the morning, so I gotta go."

"OK." I paused. "Wait--what brought this up?"

"NothingI'lltalktoyoulaterbye."

"Uh, bye."

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.

--Calvin Coolidge
I've added two fantastic blogs to the "Blogs I Read" section!

Check out Go Jetta Go, not only to chuckle with delight at the adventures of a Texas law student, but to also to wonder with great interest when she will next update.

And while you're at it, why not check out Cibbuano's fantastic blog, The Cibscicle? This witty and entertaining blogger is a Canadian-born Indian man who currently resides in Sydney, Australia--with all those demographics covered, he should be an international sensation.
You can't make a record if you ain't got nothing to say
You can't play music if you don't know nothin' to play

(Willie Nelson, "Shotgun Willie," 1973)

I've got nothing to say
I'm in utter dismay
I've got nothing to say

(The Strokes, "Ask Me Anything," 2005)

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Lan was retelling MO's history with his band, and his initial surprise when MO told him that he was serious about music.

"I guess back then I thought that people were just in bands during college and that's it," he remarked. "But then when he graduated, even though he had an honors degree, he would just take these crappy jobs that he knew he could walk away from so he could focus on music . . . and now his band is on the cusp of making it."

In a similar vein but in a different context, DC also noted the values of sacrifice.

"DB should play poker more," he said.

"Yeah--he's mentioned to me before how lazy he is with it," Lan replied.

"When I'm winning," DC continued, "I just keep playing unless I have to do something else."

The conversation eventually led to a discussion about how most people don't consider poker work--that it's viewed mostly as a game of chance. DC concluded that it took him awhile to realize that the more time and effort he put into playing, the better he did/the more money he made (which is the same for most things, I suppose).

There are a lot of people who are pretty good at a lot of things.1 There are even more people who aren't very good at most things. But there are a few people who are true masters of their craft, and they all have one thing in common--hours and hours of dedication to improving themselves.

It just makes me wonder how people can be disappointed when they embark on projects with only half of their ass.

1I probably fall under this category at the moment.
My prediction for 2006:

Starting around March (or whenever they release their LP), SOUND team will become an unstoppable musical force that could have the potential to change the direction of pop music.

Monday, January 16, 2006

A girl I work with came in for her shift last night with a terrible, terrible haircut.

"I tried to cut my hair earlier today," she told me.

"How'd that turn out?" I asked.
"How's the gumbo?" the middle-aged man asked me.

"Pretty good. It's nice and filling."

"I'll have that."

"Sounds good."

I turned in his order, and a few minutes later, brought it out. When I went back to check on him, he stopped me.

"This gumbo is terrible."

"Alright. Would you like a menu so you can try something else?"

"I mean, I've had gumbo all over the world--Canada, Louisiana, France--and this is the worst."

"So do you want a menu?"

"I mean, I'd like to eat something."

"I'll bring you a menu."

I brought him a menu, and left him to decide on something else.

When I returned a moment later, I asked him what he'd like.

"Listen: this gumbo turned me off. Big time. I want something that's going to take the taste of that out of my mouth."

"Well, there's lots to choose from."

"This gumbo, I tell you--it tasted like it was sitting in a big steel vat for 48 hours, just burning away. And then somebody scraped the bottom of the vat, and put it in a bowl, and then served it to me."

"The chicken is nice."

He thought for a moment. "I'll have that. Can't mess that up too bad."

"Sounds good to me."

"Because that gumbo fucking sucked."

"I hear ya."

Conclusion: Gumbo at a 24-hour breakfast cafe may not be all it's cracked up to be.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I was standing around yesterday after having taught a gym class, talking with a few of the students.

"I should of gone back to my old school," a heavyset Mexican kid mentioned.

"Yeah, but you're here now, so it doesn't matter," a girl said.

"I know, that's why I said 'should of.' See? Should. Of."

"I'm sure you mean 'Should have,'" I said.

"Whatever, dogg. I ain't no English teacher."

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

All I know is that there's a good reason that What About Bob? is never celebrated as one of Bill Murray's best when magazines discuss his comeback in recent years.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

You heard it here second: Michael Jackson is being brought up on child molestation charges again.

The Guardian UK reported that the fresh allegations come from a 20-year-old that says that "the singer assaulted him, forced him to have plastic surgery and stole his musical ideas."

"What I want to know is what songs?" I asked.

"Oh, you know, that one song--"Help Me, Help Me, I'm Being Molested by Michael Jackson"?" my sister said.

"No."

"It was like number four in the UK."
A mom and her two sons sat in my section today at work.

When they ordered, both kids ordered a bacon cheeseburger with extra mayonnaise.

"Welcome to Mayonnaiseville, population you," I said, delivering the meals.

I set down the extra mayonnaise on the table.

"Did they order extra mayonnaise?" the mom asked. "Boys, no extra mayonnaise. Take it back."

"You are now leaving Mayonnaiseville, thank you for visiting."

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Christopher Zane's Top Ten Albums of 2005

10. Calexico/Iron & Wine - In The Reins
9. Devendra Banhart - Cripple Crow
8. Of Montreal - Sunlandic Twins
7. Beck - Guero
6. Antony and the Johnsons - I Am A Bird Now
5. Spoon - Gimme Fiction
4. SOUND team - Work (EP)
3. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Howl
2. Gorillaz - Demon Days
1. Broken Social Scene - Broken Social Scene

What do you think? What are your favorites of this year?

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Chuck Norris: Pretty much a badass.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris once kicked a baby elephant into puberty.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Here's aging commentator Keith Jackson, reading promos for crappy new sitcoms on ABC during the Rosebowl:
"Don't miss the season's premiere of 'Emily's Reasons Why Not.' [Mumbling to someone off-camera.] 'Emily's Reasons' ... I don't know. [Back to the promo.] Starring Heather ... Graham. A new comedy about love, laughter and life, premiering at Monday, 9 central, followed by an all-new 'Jake' ... [prolonged pause] ... in Progress,' starring John Stah-mos."

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

I was watching Yellow Submarine the other day. In the DVD extras, John Clive, the actor who played John Lennon, told an anecdote about what he perceived to be the power of the film.

"My daughter knew every word of that movie. She loved it so much she could recite it forwards and backwards. When John was killed in 1980, I was in the States. I called home, and my daughter, who was seven, was convinced that since John was dead, I was dead. It took me fifteen minutes to convince my little daughter that I was still alive. That's how powerful this movie is."

"I don't know if that really exemplifies the power of the movie," I said. "All it really means is that his daugher is a punk-ass chump who can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality."

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Me and Bill Gates are Tight

It was a long and arduous process, but I am finally ready to endorse a search engine.

Reaching this decision was difficult for me, but I feel confident in my selection, and I hope that my legions of followers will abandon their typical online search habits, and follow my recommendations.

In third place is the popular Web tool, Ask Jeeves. Jeeves was chosen not just for his snappy dress, but the fact that when searching the phrase "Life of Zane", this blog appears second overall. It lost points, however, because when searching simply the word "Zane", this blog didn't appear until much later. You scraped by, Jeeves. Get your act together.

In second place is the search engine for Yahoo. Yahoo brought itself up to second when it was discovered that by simply searching for the name "Christopher Zane", this blog appeared first, ahead of an apparently well-known bike retailer and public speaker by the same name. When searching for "Life of Zane", I come in second to some Website about Duct Tape marketing. I am not joking.

Finally, coming in head and shoulders above the rest is MSN's search engine. A simple Web search of the word "Zane" brings the blog you are currently reading to an impressive third-place showing, behind the stock information for a company called Zannett (Nasdaq SC: ZANE), who is down 5.83% today (probably somehow due to being in front of this blog in search results--think about that CEO of Zannett), and the IMDB entry for Billy Zane, that asshole who famously played some asshole in the movie Titanic. What is most impressive about MSN's bold choice in putting this blog so high up on their search results is that this blog appears ahead of Sites such as zane.com, zanestate.edu, and all information about the black author Zane. A search for "Life of Zane" brought me in at first place, ahead of some guy who has a blog with a similar title to mine, and everything else with that phrase in it. These results can only help the investors of Big Zane Dog Bonds, which will be put on the market soon. Make an appointment with your investment banker to find out more.

The Award for Totally Sucking in Terms of Position of My Blog goes to Google, who, when searching for "Life of Zane" doesn't have me until the second page, and after browsing 35 pages of results, doesn't have me at all in their results for "Zane."

So big up to Billy Gates, who is a man who obviously appreciates quality over quantity. If bank account and placement of good blogs on his search engine is any indicator of penis size (and I think we all know it is), he is hung like John Holmes.
From Thomas Friedman's The Lexus and the Olive Tree:
Because of the democratization of finance, and the explosion of securitization, almost anything can be turned into a bond. You can even issue bonds in yourself and your own unique talents, as the singer David Bowie did. He raised $55 million in Bowie Bonds in 1997, backed by his projected royalties. . . . "
I only mention this because very soon I'm going to start offering Big Zane Dog Bonds, which will be backed by my poker winnings and the revenue from the advertisements on Roadrunner Review. Call your investment banker to set up an interview.
It seems to me that there are two kinds of people in the world: the kind that don't really know much about the internet, and those that spend way too much time on the internet.

Sometimes when I tell people that are the latter kind of person that I have a blog, they ask me, "What's a blog?"

When people ask me this question, I realize how funny the word sounds to an outsider, and I think of other places where the word blog could be used, and would sound appropriate. Ie:

- "Damn, that bitch is fine! I would blog that ass all night long!"
- "Dude, I just smoked like an ounce out of my six-foot dragon bong! I'm bloooogged as hell!"
- "Man, Tony and me just ate four bean and cheese burritos from Taco Bell, and I think I'm about to blog up that toilet somethin' fierce."
- "Can you believe President Bush and that secret domestic spying program? That's blogged up, dogg."
- "Man, my cousin Arnold had to move to Houston after everything at his place in New Orleans got blogged by Hurricane Blogtrina."
- "Wade Bloggs was a blirtuoso with a blat and one of the blame's true blasters at blogging a baseblog blogtween the blog lines blat blan blalarmingly blogessful blog."
-"Who the hell is Wade Bloggs?"
- "Blog that shit, motherblogger."

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year!
"Here's a hypothetical situation," I began to a co-worker. "You're dating someone, and you think you really like them. But they smoke, and you can't handle that. You know it would be impossible to continue seeing them if they were a smoker. Do you ask them to stop smoking?"

"Sounds like you're very controlling," the co-worker said. "You can't control what everyone does."

"But it's an objectively harmful thing," I reasoned. "There's a good chance it will eventually kill her. And besides, it's a hypothetical situation."

"If some guy tried to tell me to quit smoking, I'd kick him to the curb. I do what I want!"

"Alright, another hypothetical situation: You're dating a guy, and you really really like him. He's really cool, and everything in the relationship is going great. But the only problem is that he's got a speed addiction. Or a meth addiction. Or something. Do you tell him to quit?"

"Hell yeah, that shit's fucked up."

"My my my! Look how controlling you become when the drug changes!"

Christopher Zane's Top Ten Albums of 2005

10. Calexico/Iron & Wine - In the Reins (EP)
9. Devendra Banhart - Cripple Crow
8. Of Montreal - Sunlandic Twins
7. Beck - Guero
6. Antony and the Johnsons - I Am A Bird Now
5. Spoon - Gimme Fiction
4. SOUND team - Work (EP)
3. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Howl
2. Gorillaz - Demon Days
1. Broken Social Scene - Broken Social Scene

What do you think? What are your favorite albums of this year? I'd like to hear your selections for the past year.