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Friday, June 30, 2006

Q: "If global warming happens, places like Canada and Antarctica will become liveable. That's good."

A: "There are two kind of results of global warming. Horrifying and less horrifying. Moving civilization to northern Canada or Antarctica is just barely in the 'less horrifying' category."

Thursday, June 29, 2006

An actual Google ad I saw today:


I hope it says "Hi, I'm John McCain. You have a telephone call. Vote Republican."

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The following is from Andrew Lin's hilarious Mountain of Sadness, just one part of a huge consortium of online comics called Supermasterpiece. Check it out--it's going on the sidebar.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Associated Press 1-2 punch

The Associated Press did some badass reporting today:

First, they reported that the nation's top climate scientists are giving Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth five stars for accuracy. This is an important movie, folks. Go see it. Biggest surprise: It's not boring--seriously.

Second, the AP also announced that the surgeon general released a report warning of the dangers of secondhand smoke. The report calls for completely smoke-free buildings and public places. More information from the surgeon general can be found here. Biggest surprise: R.J. Reynolds Tobacco Co. "insists the danger is overblown."

Saturday, June 24, 2006

At Best Buy yesterday with my male friend GG, I ran into a former co-worker. We caught up for a few minutes, and I introduced GG.

"So are you seeing anyone right now?" the FCW asked me after telling me all about her boyfriend.

HA and I met in my recent writing class, the same place GG and I met. So I started the story, "GG and I met in a class I took last semester . . . "

Her eyes kind of bugged out, and I realized what it sounded like I was saying.

"Wait--GG and I aren't seeing each other, I'm just saying that I met him the same place I met the girl I'm seeing."

"Oh, ha ha," the FCW laughed weirdly.

"Ha ha," laughed GG.

"Ha ha."

Later when she found me getting a blowjob from the bearded DVD-section manager in the TV on DVD section, I found things a little tougher to explain.
"Sometimes you have to fight murder with murder."

Thursday, June 22, 2006

From Time:
It has been an unlikely legal wrangle from the start. First, a 14-year-old Austin, Texas, girl and her mother filed a $30 million lawsuit against MySpace.com, where the teenager claims she met a man who assaulted her. Now, the college student charged with the sexual assault also is considering suing the popular social networking site.

The defense attorney for Pete Solis, the 19-year-old Texas community college student charged with sexually assaulting the girl. . . , told TIME that if the Texas courts accept the premise that MySpace is liable because the two met there, then his client also has a claim, since the alleged victim falsely portrayed herself on the webiste as 15 years old.

"He's been, in effect, just as much a victim — if not more," says Adam Reposa, the attorney for Solis, who is facing up to 20 years in prison on charges of second degree felony sexual assault. Since the lawsuit against MySpace also names Solis as a defendant, Reposa said he will "cross-file" and also sue MySpace and its owner, News Corporation. "MySpace wasn't there when they went to Whataburger. MySpace wasn't there when they went to the movie and MySpace wasn't there when they climbed in the backseat," Reposa said. "Meeting on MySpace — if that alone is enough, then we can make the same claim for damages."
There's so much great stuff going on here--besides the rape. First we've got the fact that the girl and her mom are suing MySpace instead of the guy. You have to wonder if that's because they believe News Corp is legally responsible or because Pete Solis is a community college student and not a media magnate.

The best part though, is the total "fuck you" defense that says "Oh crap! I didn't know she was 14! I thought she was 15. And if she can sue MySpace, so can we. Boo-ya!"

Anyway, as we all know, this is all her fault anyway for getting sexually assaulted. You know her MySpace quote is probably like "Girls just want to have fun!" and her interests include "boys" and she had some provocative pictures of her when she was drunk.

Instead of all these new easily sidestepped MySpace rules, they should make a rule that says that if you get raped, you're not allowed to sue anybody but the rapist if you're dumb enough to let your daughter go on dates with dudes from the Internet when they're 14.

Eventually they'll do a real age-verification thing where we all have to enter our Social Security numbers or scan our internal chips or retinas and then--and only then, will all of us be truly safe.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Jack of All Trades


"Hey, stop at Jack in the Box," said DM. "I'm fuckin' hungry as hell."

I wasn't hungry, and I hate fast food, but I did it anyway.

"Give me two Jumbo Jacks, a Sourdough Jack, and two tacos," he said when we had pulled up to the speaker. He looked at me as I moved up to the window. "Hey, you got any money?"

"What? No! You don't have any money?"

"Nah, man."

"Then what the hell are we doing here?"

"I'll work something out."

"Like what? You're gonna sweet talk the Jack in the Box lady?"

"Hold on." He rummaged through his backpack, and pulled something out. "I got these Lifesavers."

"Lifesavers? You can't buy food with candy. This isn't the barter system. It isn't the fucking--the fucking 60s."

"Shut up, I'll work it out."

"That's $8.62," said the impatient-looking black girl in the window. Her nails were long and aqua-blue and had a small rhinestone in the upper-right corner of each nail.

"Hey, I don't got no money, but I got these Lifesavers," DM said, holding the candy across my lap so she could see.

"Whatcho wanna trade you some Lifesavers for some burgers?"

"And some tacos."

I tried unsuccessfully to turn myself invisible.

"How many you got?"

"I got like three-and-a-half packs."

"Just gimme the three and you can get you some burgers, but you can't get no tacos for three packs." She snorted derisively, as if it was absurd to expect anything more than two Jumbo Jacks and a Sourdough Jack for three packs of Lifesavers. "What kind you got?"

"I got regular, Wint-O-Green, and Butter Rum."

"Aight, gimme them candies and I get you some burgers."

I couldn't believe it was actually going to work.

"Same time," DM said.

"What?" she said in that black-girl way. Shut up, you know what I'm talking about.

"Just--same time," said DM.

"Aight, muthafucka." She handed out a bag, and I grabbed it and passed it over to DM. He gave me the candy, and I passed it over to her. She shut the window promptly. I drove off, and DM opened the bag and ripped into his first jumbo jack.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

From Madge DoRightly: "I have a plan for immigration. Allow every Mexican in. Make them join the military. Then invade Mexico and don’t have an exit strategy."
Deputy Secretary of State Robert Zoellick is resigning, but not, it would seem, as part of Bush's cleaning house.

"I've accomplished what I set out to do, and it's time to step down," he said.

CNN reports that Zoellick "has been the administration's leading diplomat handling the volatile situation in Sudan's western Darfur region . . ."

So I guess we can assume everything is OK in Darfur? Let's just do a quick Google search . . . hey! The LA Times reports that everything's not OK in Darfur! What's going on here? Why is Zoellick retiring? Where is he going?

From CNN: "Zoellick, who served six years in the Bush administration, said he would join the Wall Street investment house Goldman Sachs Group Inc."

Oh. Well, OK then. But wasn't there someone else in the Bush Administration that had something to do with Goldman Sachs? Who was that? I can't remember . . .

But we do know that Zoellick was hoping to be promoted to treasury secretary. Maybe he's upset about not getting that job. Say, who did get that job?

Oh! I remember now! It was Goldman Sachs executive Henry Paulson! Are they like, switching jobs?

No telling whether this has anything to do with the outrageous scandal involving the president cheating on Mrs. Bush with Condoleezza Rice, which has been reported in such reputable sources such as blogs and tabloids. My guess is that Zoellick was sick of passing notes between the two of them.

Today's Image: The Butt Pirate

Happy Juneteenth!

Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Competitive Enterprise Institute has released two 60-second spots for TV. It's almost too good to be believed:
There's something in these pictures you can't see. It's essential to life. We breathe it out. Plants breathe it in. It comes from animal life. The oceans, the earth, and the fuels we find in it. It's callled carbon dioxide, Co2. The fuels that produce Co2 have freed us from a world of back-breaking labor. Lighting up our lives. Allowing us to create--and move--the things we need, the people we love.

(Ominous music)

Now, some politicians want to label carbon dioxide a pollutant. Imagine if they succeed. What would our lives be like then?

(Ominous music ends)

Carbon dioxide: they call it pollution. We call it life.
The Competitive Enterprise Institute is "funded by Exxon Mobil and other energy and auto companies opposed to mandatory curbs on CO2 emissions," according to the Houston Chronicle.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

It's official: my mustache looks like Shredded Wheat.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Stories about:

- Anal sex!

- Maxxximum Exxxtreme Relationship Challenge!

- Virginity!

all posted in the last two days, at Welcome to Do Land! Check it out--I think you'll find it more enlightening than the Renaissance.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Editing Hilarity

From the New York Times: " 'Jersey Boys' and 'History Boys' had outstanding showings, but their were three upsets."

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Mr. Lif's sophomore album Mo' Mega comes out this Tuesday. Check out my review here, in the "Music" section of Roadrunner Review.
"[Hip-hop fans often] mourn the death of hip-hop's spirit of '90 (not realizing that the spirit of '90 wasn't all that different from the spirit of 2005; just as 2005 has a Ying Yang Twins for every Talib Kweli, '90 had a 2 Live Crew for every Tribe Called Quest)." (Review for The Perceptionists' Black Dialogue, Andy Kellman, Allmusic.com)

Friday, June 09, 2006

My new philosophy for life: "Nutz first!"

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

A review of Sound Team's "Movie Monster" can be found in the "Music" section.

A sentence wisely deleted from the review:

"As strong as the band sounds, the songwriting from Matt Oliver and Bill Baird is good enough to carry an album performed with a jug and washboard."
"What's your favorite musical year?" I asked ES.

"The year of sixth grade was good. I learned a lot."

"About what?"

"Beck, Cake, Radiohead, and Green Day."

"That's a good year to be in sixth grade."

"I guess that makes me sound young."

"Yeah," I said, "but that's because I'm old. All I remember coming out my sixth-grade year were negro spirituals."
To celebrate the release of Sound Team's "Movie Monster," here are some links to some totally bitchin' vids:

"TV Torso" clip

"Handful of Billions" clip

Additional "Handful of Billions" clip

The real, actual video of "Your Eyes Are Liars," recorded in Sound Team's Big Orange Studio. Features a giant elephant and some very attractive actors.

Buying the album on iTunes gets you a "Tunebook," ­which includes short videos, a music video, a photo gallery, and a 22-minute movie by Bill Baird with an original score and other miscellany.

I'm writhing in ecstacy right now.
Well, Billy Preston died. With Desmond Dekker, that's two great black musicians to die in the last two weeks. These things usually happen in threes . . . be careful Lil' John!

Monday, June 05, 2006

Sittin' Sidewayz

This definitely counts for Monday:

Added an essay about the Houston rap scene to the "Music" section of Roadrunner Review.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Added a review of the 2005 movie The Aristocrats to the "Movies" section of Roadrunner Review.

Incidentally, I've got a plan. I'm going to do one update per day for the next week on Roadrunner Review. Whether it's album, movie, essay, or interview--get ready to have your ass updated daily.

P.S. Please hold me to this.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Ring-a-ding-ding

From a Guardian book review on Ava Gardner:
The third husband was Sinatra. By then she was the bigger star, a perpetual cover girl and tabloid sensation, epitome of an emerging jet set (which can equally be taken for a life on the run), her movie career almost incidental to her celebrity, and indistinguishable from her often exaggerated notoriety. Asked by a reporter what she saw in Sinatra - a 119lb has-been - she replied demurely that 19lb of it was cock.

Radical

As I said earlier, the summer of SOUND team has begun. Well, officially I suppose it starts this Tuesday when their album, "Movie Monster" (I have no idea why it's in quotes, but it is) is released. To whet your appetite, here's a live performance of "TV Torso," which was recorded at Good Records in Dallas, TX on March 10, 2006.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Unfortunately, you can't always say everything you want. For example:

Today, it was discovered that I made an egregious error at work about six weeks ago.1 My boss chewed me out about it for a good five minutes, and at the end of it, I felt like total shit.

TS, a co-worker, approached me as I lie crumpled at my desk immediately afterward. "Hey, what exactly did you do to get her so fired up? She really had a bee in her bonnet!"

What I wish I could have said: "TS, you tactless dolt, leave me the fuck alone. (Mace TS.)"

What I said: (Curt explanation of what I did, and then turn away promptly.)

1The error was huge, and was committed by another co-worker also. This makes me think there could be another answer for the problem other than my own idiocy.2

2Like some sort of magic.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Naked

I hadn't talked to Joey for a couple of weeks.

"So what have you been up to?"

"Not much," I said. I went over a couple of the more interesting events that had gone on in the last couple of weeks. I mentioned HA.

"How's she doing?"

"Good, she's still in Italy. It sucks."

"She's the one you went to the nude beach with, right?"

"Right."

He paused unnaturally.

"Hey--did Madge go with you?"

"Huh?"

"Your sister told me you guys went to a nude beach together and she got topless and you got naked."

"Huh."

(Twenty seconds of loud laughing.) "No! NO! You did NOT go to the nude beach with your sister!"

"Yes, I did."

(Fifteen seconds of loud laughing. His eyes are obviously tearing up.) "What the hell? If I saw my sister naked I'd kill myself!"

"It's not like we were--"

"Did you rub her down with oil?"

"Shut the fuck up. It's not like we were playing nude beach volleyball or something."

(Laughter) "Damn!"

"Honestly, you have to understand. I didn't go there with the intention of getting naked, but when everyone--not just the gay guys--is naked, it's weirder not to be naked than it is to be naked."

"I'm just picturing--(eight seconds of muffled laughter)--I'm just picturing you two, like, frolicking around--(more laughter)"

"Honestly, I didn't even see anything. At one point when I was swimming way out, I think I saw out of the corner of my eye that she had taken her top off, but I didn't see anything."

"Did she see you? (chuckle)"

"I'unno."

"Nah, she said she didn't. I asked her. She said she didn't look."

"I guess that's good."

"I mean I was just--(burst of laughter, attempt to regain control, another burst of laughter)--hold on, I have to pull the car over or I'm gonna kill myself."

"Take your time."

"OK. (Time passes.) Well, that doesn't sound that bad."

"Nah, it wasn't."