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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

And Michaelangelo Antonioni died! With Lady Bird Johnson, I guess that's three.
The world of an Antonioni film “is a world of people alienated from one another,” wrote Andrew Turner in his book “World Film Directors” (1968). “Their actions have no meaning or coherence, and even the most fundamental of emotions, love, seems unsustainable."

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Monday, July 30, 2007

Well, Ingmar Bergman died. What a fitting end.

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I've heard that some couples have pledged, as a sign of protest, not to get married until it's legal for same-sex couples to get married. Has anyone noticed that this is the perfect excuse for the commitment-phobic?


Saturday, July 28, 2007

What's the over/under on John McCain dropping out of the presidential race?

Subquestion: What's the over/under on someone from his staff/former staff leaking the story that he's completely senile?

"I'm John, and I'm outta heeeeere!"


Thursday, July 26, 2007

Sometimes when I look in the mirror when I'm shirtless, I notice the giant blue tattoo I got on my right shoulder when I was 18. I'm not proud of this tattoo, but I'm at the point where I just kind of live with it and don't think about it much. But sometimes--these shirtless mirror times--I feel self-conscious about it, and I imagine conversations I might have with snooty people at a pool or Martha's Vineyard or the Hamptons.

"What is that ghastly thing on your arm?"

"It's a tattoo."

"Why would you do that to yourself?"

"Look, it's just something that happened. I can't do anything about it, and I have to just deal with it."

"That's not much of a philosophy."

"Look, sometimes your wife cuts off your penis when you're sleeping and throws it into a field from a moving car. Sometimes you get smashed in the legs with a lead pipe just when you're America's lock for women's singles figure skating in the Olympics. You can either sit there crying about it or you can just deal with it."

"Are we back in the early 90s or something?"

"Excuse me, I have to go watch an episode of Dream On."

Anyway, it's not something I like to think about.

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Is there a setting in which laughing is regularly both more highly desired more inappropriate than in a public bathroom?

While washing my hands at work this week (after going to the bathroom myself), a coworker burst into the room and quickly made his way into one of the stalls. After about a second he began one of the noisiest shits I've ever heard. It was exactly like you'd imagine the sound of a man's ass defacating if his ass was somehow made into a machine gun. He continued for another 20 to 25 seconds, his expulsions punctuated with grunts and groans.1

Naturally, I wanted to laugh. Convention dictates that I don't humiliate a guy answering nature's call, so I didn't. Instead I left, told one or two people about it, and ran to my computer and published the account on the Internet.

1See Dumb an Dumber and that episode of Chappelle's Show where Dave Chappelle's dookie launches him off the toilet.

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The Return of Bean-can Hand Man

SCENE: A department store. A man is browsing.

SALESWOMAN: Can I help you, sir?

MAN: Yes, I'll need help trying these on.

SALESWOMAN: Certainly. Our dressing rooms are right over there.

MAN: No. I mean, I need you to get in the dressing room with me. (Grins devilishly.)

SALESWOMAN: Certainly not! I'm sorry sir, you'll have to leave if you expect that kind of treatment. (She begins to walk away.)

MAN: (Disappointed) No--wait! (He reaches out to her, and we see that he has a can of beans for his hand.)

SALESWOMAN: (Gasps) I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

MAN: (Looking down.) How could you? It's my darkest secret.

SALESWOMAN: Really? It's pretty noticeable . . .

MAN: Damn these bean-can hands of mine! They prevent me from doing even the simplest tasks!

SALESWOMAN: They're not so bad--I'll show you!

SCENE: Montage of SALESWOMAN showing MAN the beneficial uses of his bean-can hands: scaring a grocer by putting his hands among other cans of beans, massaging the SALESWOMAN, doing the bait-and-switch trick with bums (the trick where you put a dollar on a string--but in this case, the MAN sticks his hand out into the street until someon tries to pick up the can of beans), eating the beans in the cans, completing a pyramid of cans being built by the SALESWOMAN, speaking at the National Convention of Bean Growers, etc.

MAN: Gosh, you're right! These bean-can hands aren't a curse; they're a blessing!

SALESWOMAN: Now if we could just do something about your crippling meth addiction!

MAN: Rome wasn't built in a day! (A close-up shot of the MAN's grin reveals that his teeth are rotted.)

The MAN and the SALESWOMAN laugh together as the scene FADES OUT.

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

The NAACP has really low standards for Republicans to prove their non-racism. Republican candidate for president Tom Tancredo received a standing ovation from the NAACP at their annual convention today, but The Detroit Free Press noted that the applause was "more because he was the only Republican to show up, rather than approving of his stance on issues."
Standing in the middle of 10 podiums, nine of them empty but waiting for Republican candidates, U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo asked, "Do you think we should wait a few minutes to see if these other guys show up?"
At least he knows how to take advantage of the situation. Kind of makes you wonder if he would receive applause for showing up at the annual convention of The Association for the Advancement of Mexican Americans despite his immigration policy that was summarized as "Seal the border and send 'em back."


Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Simpsons Avatar

At the Simpsons Movie website, you can create your own Simpsons avatar. I've only waited seventeen years for this.

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Friday, July 06, 2007

I farted loudly while reading in bed the other day.

"What's that?" ES called from the other room.

I thought for a moment. "Nevermind!" I said.

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Surrender to Google

Every time I think I'm going to have to pay 50 cents to call information, I remember the Google text service. If you text "pizza (zip code)," with your zip code where I wrote "(zip code)," Google will text you back with the info to the pizza place in your area. The same works for business names. Typing "Borders Books (zip code)" will work similarly. Pretty awesome, right?

Now Google has a similar free voice service. The number is 1-800-GOOG-411 (1-800-466-4411), and according to the Google blog,
during your call to GOOG-411, just say "map it", and you'll get a text message with the details of your search plus a link to a map of your results right on your mobile phone.
In the meantime, I just realized that Google owns four of the five open windows I have. I'm pretty much ready to let them take over my life.

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Monday, July 02, 2007

My MySpace account got phished this weekend. I was checking my cousin's random bulletin board messages, and one of them turned out to be a virus that hacked my account. (The message: "Check out Jessica Simpson's boobs bouncing lol." In my defense, I wasn't really that interested in JS's boobs bouncing, but in why my 14-year-old female cousin was making posts about it.) The virus logged me out and started posting similar posts.

I laughed today when I checked out my friends list and noticed this:

Mitt Romney was online! Imagining him checking his comments (actual comment: "Hello,omg i put you as my first friend! thanks for the add! also, is your name really mit or mitchel?") was amusing, but I became concerned when I realized that his profile could suffer the same fate mine did. Mitt, make sure you change your password frequently!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Movies I watched in June:
Shanghai Triad, Yimou Zhang
Knocked Up, Judd Apatow
Hell House, George Ratliff
Tough Guys Don't Dance, Norman Mailer
The Bicycle Thief, Vittorio De Sica
A Woman Under the Influence, John Cassavettes
Linda Linda Linda, Nobuhiro Yamashita
I Am Cuba, Mikheil Kalatozishvili
The Royal Tenenbaums, Wes Anderson
Paris, Texas, Wim Wenders
Broadway Danny Rose, Woody Allen

Books I read in June:
The Last Samurai, Helen DeWitt
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer
god is not Great, How Religion Poisons Everything, Christopher Hitchens
The Gospel According to the Son, Norman Mailer
Moon Palace, Paul Auster
Solaris, Stanislaw Lem
American Sphinx, Joseph Ellis (some)

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