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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The Return of Bean-can Hand Man

SCENE: A department store. A man is browsing.

SALESWOMAN: Can I help you, sir?

MAN: Yes, I'll need help trying these on.

SALESWOMAN: Certainly. Our dressing rooms are right over there.

MAN: No. I mean, I need you to get in the dressing room with me. (Grins devilishly.)

SALESWOMAN: Certainly not! I'm sorry sir, you'll have to leave if you expect that kind of treatment. (She begins to walk away.)

MAN: (Disappointed) No--wait! (He reaches out to her, and we see that he has a can of beans for his hand.)

SALESWOMAN: (Gasps) I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

MAN: (Looking down.) How could you? It's my darkest secret.

SALESWOMAN: Really? It's pretty noticeable . . .

MAN: Damn these bean-can hands of mine! They prevent me from doing even the simplest tasks!

SALESWOMAN: They're not so bad--I'll show you!

SCENE: Montage of SALESWOMAN showing MAN the beneficial uses of his bean-can hands: scaring a grocer by putting his hands among other cans of beans, massaging the SALESWOMAN, doing the bait-and-switch trick with bums (the trick where you put a dollar on a string--but in this case, the MAN sticks his hand out into the street until someon tries to pick up the can of beans), eating the beans in the cans, completing a pyramid of cans being built by the SALESWOMAN, speaking at the National Convention of Bean Growers, etc.

MAN: Gosh, you're right! These bean-can hands aren't a curse; they're a blessing!

SALESWOMAN: Now if we could just do something about your crippling meth addiction!

MAN: Rome wasn't built in a day! (A close-up shot of the MAN's grin reveals that his teeth are rotted.)

The MAN and the SALESWOMAN laugh together as the scene FADES OUT.

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Blogger Ben said...

I love the bean hand can man, he starts the jam.

I think you should do more bean-can stories.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Miss Lovelady said...

I like it when they build a can pyramid. And I pictured that whole montage with Enrique Iglesias's "Hero" playing in the background.

6:44 PM  
Anonymous Madge said...

It reminds me of that skit from The State, where the guy shows up in a store wearing a golden thong and the saleswoman is all "you aren't wearing pants." and then they have a lovely day together.

11:52 PM  
Blogger NattyCAt said...

Here's a website you may find useful. is a site for friends, families, and those who suffer from various addictions.

2:56 PM  

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