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Sunday, August 26, 2007

A letter from my dad to my sister regarding her dog, Reggie Mantle, who was named after the Archie Comics character. Reggie is a little black dog who has lived surprisingly long and who has consistently refused to be housebroken.
I finally realized the (evil) genius of that dog of yours. All this time I excused him, thinking that his pee brain just couldn't learn anything, but now I know the truth. When I put him out this morning he did his usual pretense of peeing in the yard, crapping in the den, and waiting in the corner to enjoy my reaction. It's times like these that I have fantasies of shipping him off to Michael Vick or beating him with the roll of paper towels in my hand.

I noticed the lake of pee he put in the kitchen sometime during the night, but I only now realize that it was placed there to give me a false sense of security in the dining room. As I slipped there, almost falling for the 19th time, I finally put it all together. He's subtle: the amount of pee was small enough in the dining room for me not to see it, and the clever placement in the grout made it nearly invisible. I know now that he IS out to kill or maim me and that he does plan to take over once I'm out of the way.

If I'm found on the floor with a broken neck, DO NOT pass it off as a common household accident. Closer inspection will reveal Reggie Mantle, the adopted pet, the pet we raised as one of our own, is a murderer.

I'm leaving it to you to see justice is done: I want him to go to the gas chamber. (I assume they still have these somewhere, I know he wouldn't fit in the electric chair.) Do not bring him into your home; once he has killed, he will only kill again! Never underestimate the cunning wile of this monster!

Have a nice day,

Dad
When I asked my dad about the letter, he said, "I've heard about this park that has alligators that eat terriers. I'm thinking about making a day trip."

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